Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden