8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
You Might Also Like
I can fix him.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Maths meets science
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.