QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
If only
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination