HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan