“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
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ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
how was your vacation
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose