Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
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Running from your problems is cardio .
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car