This anagram machine is out of order.
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My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!