My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…