You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
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As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
BRO LMFAO
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
(Jupiter –
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.