Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
You Might Also Like
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.