yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”