When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
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[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby