*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
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got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.