One venti cheeseburger please.
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)