Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
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WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat