We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
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To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.