When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
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If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!