*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
prepare for carbonated trouble
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.