The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
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There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.