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Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk