They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
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Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police