My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
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I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he鈥檚 okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I鈥檓 just eating them instead.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
First it鈥檚 not safe INSIDE, now it鈥檚 not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Commercial: You don鈥檛 want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
鈥nd for my next trick, I will turn yesterday鈥檚 sweatpants into today鈥檚 sweatpants.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 馃檨
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I鈥檓 wrong but I don鈥檛 think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Turns out men don鈥檛 like being asked when their due date is either
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it鈥檚 watching her parents try to swat a fly
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
grateful there鈥檚 a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight