Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
You Might Also Like
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.