Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
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It’s a gift
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher