Love is always patient and kind.
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“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Called it
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite