[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
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[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
This is my bus stop.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?