me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
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MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
LA today:
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?