I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.