The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
a lot to unpack here
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
🌱🌱🌱
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn