When I play the kazoo, I play to win
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this could fix me
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest