*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
My hips? Compulsive liars.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.