How all things should be taught/explained.
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*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven鈥檛 watched any animes and don鈥檛 really have strong opinions on TV :/
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 馃
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn鈥檛 know I could dance.
5yo: I鈥檒l get you a Band-Aid
Don鈥檛 push me, I鈥檝e seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle鈥榮 fortune.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Bartender: I鈥檓 cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”