If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
*3.5 thank you very much.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.