Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing