Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
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“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..