My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
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Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Bloody internet 😳
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer