[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive