hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
You Might Also Like
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Come back with a warrant
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch