surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
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Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
peak technology
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.