If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
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Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: