boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
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Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Blew my mind.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.