I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
You Might Also Like
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
paddle faster i hear baby shark
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
We avoided this particular disaster
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!