I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
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we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
no one likes gloating
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.