good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
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Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…