How do I rate our solar system?
One star
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If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.