Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
You Might Also Like
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
my mind
You just read my mind
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
There’s no “u” in narcissist
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Happy birthday to all the women
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”