But that’s none of my business
You Might Also Like
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?