[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
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Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re