At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
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I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.