omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
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All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
You had me at “define legal”.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist